I have been on a journey. Not a physical one, but a spiritual one. It lasted
almost six months. I’ve been through lows and highs. I left for this journey almost without a partner and ended up gaining him back. I’ve had sexual encounters that were new. I’ve been to Middle Earth. And then, in the darkest of dark, I found me.
At the beginning of this year, I was unhappy in my relationship and so was my husband. We talked about it and finally decided that we both wanted to open up our relationship. I craved attention from other men, and we decided to give this a form and place in our relation. We chatted with many men, and we had a few dates. We. The both of us together with a third person present. By now they’ve all left our lives again, but I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it for the world.
I learned two huge things: Apart from being a submissive I can also be a dominant, and I never want to lose my husband. I know I have a lot of issues, but these men did too. Some were too clingy; some disappeared for weeks on end to come back and expect everything to be the same as when they left. Apart from many sexy times it also has given me heartache and even a slight form of depression. So for now, I’m done with other men, and I’m very happy to stay with my husband.
I’ve journeyed to Middle Earth many times, in the form of the MMORPG Lord of the Rings Online. I like playing my lore master, and she is now finally max-level! Yay for me! Killing orcs and trolls gives you some form of satisfaction that is hard to find in the real world. Yet it never really satisfies me, not deep down.
I have journeyed to dark places within myself. I have come to realize that I should accept those dark sides of me. The stories I write are dark in essence. Most contain some form of dubious consent or something bordering on abuse. That is what I write. That is what I like to read. It is not what I wish to anyone to have to go through in real life, but it is something I need in my fantasy. It may be deviant, weird, strange, but it is me. I found my home and solace in the darkness.