Openness or Self-Censorship?

What to disclose? This is something Depositphotos_13185706_kleinI struggle with a lot. I have a regular day job. I do not want my employer or my colleagues to find out what I write. I do not want future employers to find out I write smut. And yet I do write smut. Porn even.

I read everywhere that it’s good for a writer to be honest. That it’s advisable to show where you got your inspiration from. And I don’t mind sharing that with the world. But very often my inspiration comes from music groups or actors and I don’t want to associate their names with my porn.

Last week’s blog was specifically about that, about how I attended a concert and how the lead singer inspired me. I self-censored it and I am glad I did. The consequence is that I didn’t post a blog post last week and I didn’t post anything about attending this concert on my personal Facebook. I don’t want to the two accounts to be too similar.

So again I was silent, as I am so often. I not only self-censor myself online, but also in real life. At work I play the nice and decent girl and I have to hold back many snide remarks or sexual jokes. I play a version of me that people have come to expect of me. And no, that doesn’t feel good. I slip into that role seamlessly, but it drains my energy.

And then I come home where we have some promo-DVD lying around on the coffee table. The picture on the cover is some porn model with naked breasts. I see that and I think: That’s how I want to spend my time. Not by watching that DVD and not by having time with that girl, but just by involving myself with erotica, indulging in the erotic world. I don’t think I could do it full-time, but that’s why I spend some of my time looking at my sales numbers and by writing posts like these.

So what do I disclose? I am as careful as possible not to hurt either side. I am secretive so that my day job isn’t hurt by it. I hope I am open enough to satisfy my readers. And in the meantime I came up with this great new story during a walk in nature. Still inspired by a musician whose name I won’t mention, but my character is moving away from his musician-roots and is turning out to be quite sadistic after all. So tonight after my drudgery hours at work I hope to spend some time with them, the characters I made up. That’s all I’m gonna say right now.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *