BDSM Community: Freedom to be Me

Free in Many Ways

Right now I’m the freest I have ever been in my life. I have walked away from the job that was controlling my life. I have cut ties with friends who brought more drama than joy. I am no longer bound to restrictive family members.

Free is not Happy

Does this automatically mean that I am happy? Alas, no. If only life were that simple. I quit my day job three years ago, and it’s been a struggle since. Freedom is nice and all, but too much of a good thing will kill you. I’ve struggled with how I want to fill my days, how to take care of myself properly, and most importantly, I struggled with loneliness.
Sitting alone in your office, trying to type away at some hot sexy fantasy is difficult when there are no other stimuli in your life. Yes, I have a husband who’s very good at taking care of me, but I need more than his love in my life. I need something of an adventure, of new things, of going out of my comfort zone.

Vanilla Groups

I joined several vanilla groups with women my age, where we would discuss things like starting a business or books. That was nice, and it helped to distract me from my daily life, but it was a meagre solution. I tried to open up, but there was one big thing I could not talk about, at least not in detail: BDSM.
I mean, I mentioned how I would write about sex and sexuality, but only in vague terms. Vanilla people are quickly scared of the subject, and most importantly, they can’t relate. They simply do not understand how much it means to me how much BDSM is embedded in my day to day life.

Real-life Kinksters

But then, in the spring of this year, I joined a real-life BDSM community. I visited a munch for the first time in my life. I have since also visited peer-ropes. And now, roughly six months later, I discovered what it means to be free.

Trust is an Issue

It has not been that easy. My husband, who is, of course, joining me at these meetings, and I, find it difficult to trust people. Due to what we have been through, we always assume the worst. We expect people to want to use us, to take advantage of us, to want something from us. I had not made any real friends in twenty years, and not for lack of trying.

People Like Me

And now we’re meeting a new group of people at a munch. I connected well with the girl who organises it. She was so similar to me in many ways that it was almost eery. But over these months, we have made many friends. And I mean friends. Not mere acquaintances that you talk with once a month. But people you exchange phone numbers with, chat with through WhatsApp throughout the week and that you sometimes see apart from the munch.

Real Freedom

Gradually I’ve come to discover that this counts as real freedom. Cause you know what the difference is with the people that I had met at other stages in my life? In this group, I can be me.
For the first time in my life, I get to tell people about me, and about all of me. This includes my love of bondage and spankings, which can be discussed just as casually as my love for cats or how I hate to cook.
I recognise it in myself, because when I get excited about something, I speak up. I sit up taller, my voice gets louder (which is not always commendable when you’re in a vanilla setting ?), and I get to be the real me.

No Judgement

And you know what the strangest part is? People accept and respect me, including the darkest ideas that I have hidden from the outer world for my entire life.
Both my husband and I are gathering people around us when we are at the munch. We tend to be stationary, but people come to us. They want to talk to us and exchange ideas. And for the first time in my life, these people don’t judge. They might disagree or have another view on something, but still, they will not judge. To each their own.
So to me, this new layer in my life is freedom. I am not as lonely as I was before. It means so much to me that there are other people out there like me. I may be a tiny bit less special or unique, but also less alone. I get to share cute cat-pictures with people. My husband gets to share ideas about 3D-printing. We’re making friends.

Long-term Relationships

And one other thing I realised this week: these people aren’t only friends for once a month. I can connect with these people in daily life as well, and it’s not short-term either. We’re all in it for the long haul. And while I can’t predict the future, I hope with all my heart I will never lose them again. Sure, I will lose contact with one, or our lives change, and the contact lessens with another, but I hope this community will continue to exist and that I will continue to be part of it. Because in this group, I have found the ultimate freedom: the freedom to be myself.

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