Communication is Key: Shall I Keep This Secret?

Silence

I come from a family of non-talkers, on both sides actually. We would talk about our day. We would talk about the music we liked, the movies we watched, where to go on vacation. But don’t you dare talk about your inner life. We didn’t share our ailments, our deepest feelings, or anything that genuinely bothered us.
Upon meeting my husband, I was introduced to another way of living: share everything. Not just our daily lives or our pesky coworkers, but literally everything. From the slight headache you might have, to your deepest darkest sexual fantasies, even those you thought you would never share with anyone. So how did I go from not talking to sharing everything? And what are some tips that we use today?

Silence Continued

It won’t come as a surprise that my first serious relationship with a vanilla partner, was as silent as the family I grew up in. You come back to what you know. The guy was sweet and intelligent, but he had one topic we could not discuss: sex. At the beginning of our time together, I would nudge him towards my preferences. I would say: “You know, I like things with rope and stuff.” I didn’t want to scare him, but unfortunately, my suggestions found no bearing. I asked him what he wanted in bed, what turned him on, but I got no reply. Nothing whatsoever. He showed no preference for lingerie, nor for high heels. It was blank.

For the first time in my life, I was in a stable, safe environment, but I was unhappy. I was convinced I needed kink in my life. So I left.

A New Wind

A year later, I met my husband. We met online, and from the first time we spoke, he insisted we talk every day. Once we exchanged phone numbers, he called me every day. This was new to me. The other men I had talked with, I would speak maybe once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. My now-husband was different. Not only did we talk every day, but we also shared everything. In the beginning, we only talked about our sexual fantasies, but that went on to include all our daily happenings. No matter what is going through that head of mine, he wants to know.

From Nothing to Everything

So today? I tell him everything. This ranges from a small pimple I have somewhere that I worry about, to a new kink I uncovered and I’m interested in. Everything. I must say, it does feel lighter in my head now that I share more. I feel less alone, and I feel less like I need to carry the weight of the world on my own. It’s still not easy. I’m quite secretive, and I always prefer to keep things to myself, but nowadays, I share what I can. My husband will find out eventually since he can read me so well. He will see something is bothering me, and he will push me until I tell him. And I do the same with him.

Our Advice

So what’s the secret to our success? First of all, both partners need to be open to the idea and be willing to invest their time and effort. The most straightforward advice is, of course: talk more. Talk a lot. Share everything that’s on your mind. And no, this transition does not happen overnight. But instead of thinking: nah, he won’t be interested in this idea, try it. Don’t make assumptions. Don’t try to mind-read.
My husband and I even made an official agreement with each other. Once a week, on a set time, we talk about where we are in our BDSM-relationship. The talk is without consequences. Each of us is allowed to speak our minds. What do we think is going well? What are things that should improve? Is there something we would like to try?
Doing a talk like this regularly is helping us keep our mind on BDSM-related activities. Too often, real life got in the way, and BDSM was pushed to the backburner. And the truth is that we both need it in our lives. And yes, often the talk gets us in the mood, and more often than not, it leads to a night of intense play.

Tough but Worth It

I’m not an expert on communication, and it’s a tough road for me, even today. The more I share, the better I feel. There is some truth in that. And sometimes I don’t want to share something. Some fantasies are too much of a secret that I don’t want to share them with my husband. And that’s okay also. I do make an effort to share everything vital with him and to discuss with him what’s on my mind. Even if it’s difficult and I really don’t want to. I’m convinced of this: Communication is key to a healthy relationship.