Self-Control: When your Mind is Against You

Roasted Flavoured Peanuts

When I first saw this prompt, I thought about my snacking habits. Simply put: I snack too much. Too many crisps and peanuts and chocolate and cookies.
Last year, in the winter of 2018/2019, I was addicted to peanuts, the flavoured ones from Lidl. I gained so much weight that season that I still carry today. But then I thought: that’s not fair. That’s not the entire story.
Just look at how I spend my days. I have no other occupation than writing. Why is it that I struggle to write two measly blog posts a week?

Hard Work

I have always worked hard. From the age of fourteen, I took my first job, and I have worked hard from day one. I was always on time, I never missed a shift, and I took on way more responsibility than necessary.
When I quit my job to work for myself, I assumed I would continue in this vein.
Except I didn’t.

Drifting

The first years I had no plan, no purpose and no structure. Only when I started my blog, I developed some sense of structure.
The problem is: I want more. I want to become a top sex toy reviewer. I want to write erotica. I want to make money. But still, I have no vision, no plan of how to reach any of these goals.

Trauma

Part of this, I have led back to my cPTSD. I have a strong inner sense of hopelessness. Why would I try to do anything if it’s only going to lead to disappointment?
Why would I try to finish that story if I’m not going to have it edited anyway? I have already struggled so much with this story, the final scene is bound to be shit anyway.
And yes, of course, I have made lists and plans in the past, but I have abandoned them all. Starting a new plan would only lead to another disappointment.

Pulling Through

I have no perseverance at the moment. The longest I can work on one task is thirty minutes. And even then I check mail and Twitter in between. Sometimes I use the Forest app on my phone, and that helps a little, but not enough.

Look, A Squirrel

My mind is fickle. I jump from one idea to the next without finishing anything.
If only I could set myself to writing about bimbofication, I could make money. I’m quite sure of it. But then I think: nah, I’m not that much into that kink right now, I’d much rather write this toy review. And off I go.

Avoidance

I have no perseverance to do anything slightly difficult or annoying, which bugs me to no end. During my years in retail, all I did were tasks I didn’t like, and I did them without protest. My current attitude towards work can even be seen as a form of self-harm. By not finishing anything, I avoid the chance of criticism, but I also perpetuate the feeling of uselessness, of not being worth anything.

Now What?

So what’s the solution? Sit down and write? Yeah, if only it were that simple. It is that simple, I know, but my mind is strong, and it’s showing me all the signs that no, that would be a bad idea. You’re not going to finish it, you wouldn’t get it properly edited once you do, so it’s a worthless cause to start. Or should I just sit down and try it once again?

---